So I have to admit that today I am not really feeling the love. Rather than seeing the day through rose colored heart shaped glasses I feel like hiding behind some seriously dark black frames. I really do have so much love in my life so I feel silly even writing these words, but lately I feel lost. The past five years have been quite the whirlwind and while I have gained so much along the way, now that I have the chance to sit back and take it all in I feel like I have lost myself along the way. My spark, you know the thing that makes you tick, not sure when, but somewhere along the way it flickered out. I constantly struggle trying to strike a balance between being a mom and being me, and I honestly never feel like I am doing either to the best of my ability. I truly believe that to be a good mom you can not loose focus of yourself and what you love. Well you guys, I've been searching... truly gut wrenching, list making, deep into my soul searching, and so far I've come up with nothing. I have free time that I have no idea how to fill, a mind full of ideas, but I am having a very hard time taking a leap. I am feeling discouraged, uninspired, and like I just don't measure up. I find myself constantly comparing myself to others which is an awful feeling that I am just not used to. I focused my entire college experience on "finding" myself (i know, so cliche... I literally just cringed writing that but it's true) and have always been very comfortable with who I am. But somehow lately I have been comparing, judging, and have let some jealousy sneak its way into my life here and there. Im trying, really trying to keep all these emotions in check, but the past few days, I have to admit they have gotten the best of me.
I have never been much of an open book, it usually takes me a long time to warm up to people, so it surprises me more than anything that I have chosen this as my place to voice and vent my struggles. Lately, this blog has become a way to hold myself accountable and really sort things out in my own mind, which is why I am sharing this way too personal information that I am very certain no one cares to read.
That concludes the pity party for now... I hope your day is filled to the brim with love, smiles, hugs, kisses, pretty pink hearts and all things warm and fuzzy. I am off to kiss a very little man who is sleeping upstairs while I remind myself of all the ways I am blessed (there are many, many, many way... this I know).
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