NEW BEGINNINGS.

So as I have said like 4000 times in the past few months I have been going through many changes as I figure things out over here.  This week I dusted off a few of my art supplies from college and realized that it has been so long since I truly created.  My life has been so task orientated the past few years that I haven't taken the time for myself to be creative which is such a huge part of what makes me tick.  I have really enjoyed the past few days and surprisingly once I allowed myself this little luxury a lot of the mess in my head seemed to sort itself out and things quickly made a lot more sense!  With that, I have a big announcement coming next week and I can't wait to share.  Sorry for the vagueness as I work out a few of the details (no I'm not pregnant) I am really excited for this next chapter and want to thank all of you who have been so supportive and encouraging, you have no idea how much I needed it!!! So stay tuned and enjoy your weekend!!!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY... And Other Stuff.

So I have to admit that today I am not really feeling the love.  Rather than seeing the day through rose colored heart shaped glasses I feel like hiding behind some seriously dark black frames.  I really do have so much love in my life so I feel silly even writing these words, but lately I feel lost.  The past five years have been quite the whirlwind and while I have gained so much along the way, now that I have the chance to sit back and take it all in I feel like I have lost myself along the way.  My spark, you know the thing that makes you tick, not sure when, but somewhere along the way it flickered out.  I constantly struggle trying to strike a balance between being a mom and being me, and I honestly never feel like I am doing either to the best of my ability.  I truly believe that to be a good mom you can not loose focus of yourself and what you love.  Well you guys, I've been searching... truly gut wrenching, list making, deep into my soul searching, and so far I've come up with nothing.  I have free time that I have no idea how to fill, a mind full of ideas, but I am having a very hard time taking a leap.  I am feeling discouraged, uninspired, and like I just don't measure up.  I find myself constantly comparing myself to others which is an awful feeling that I am just not used to.  I focused my entire college experience on "finding" myself (i know, so cliche... I literally just cringed writing that but it's true) and have always been very comfortable with who I am.  But somehow lately I have been comparing, judging, and have let some jealousy sneak its way into my life here and there.  Im trying, really trying to keep all these emotions in check, but the past few days, I have to admit they have gotten the best of me.

I have never been much of an open book, it usually takes me a long time to warm up to people, so it surprises me more than anything that I have chosen this as my place to voice and vent my struggles.  Lately, this blog has become a way to hold myself accountable and really sort things out in my own mind, which is why I am sharing this way too personal information that I am very certain no one cares to read.

That concludes the pity party for now... I hope your day is filled to the brim with love, smiles, hugs, kisses, pretty pink hearts and all things warm and fuzzy.  I am off to kiss a very little man who is sleeping upstairs while I remind myself of all the ways I am blessed (there are many, many, many way... this I know).

CURRENTLY.

So I took a little time away from here the past few days... I had planned on scheduling posts for when we were away, but one of my resolutions was also to disconnect a bit... so it didn't happen and Im cutting myself a little slack!!!  Also, we missed a menu plan for this week because I didn't do any cooking while I was away... but you can look for one on Friday.  (I figured this was the best day to post because most people do their shopping and planning over the weekend.)

We just got back from a little trip to Florida and I'm not too happy about it right now.  Currently I am freezing sitting here in my winter parka, scarf, and boots... Why? Because I am just way too cold to take one single layer off, I need them all right now.

Do you get a little blue when you come back from a vacation?  I definitely do!  Yesterday was our first day back and it really took everything I had to muster up the strength to get out of bed and brush my teeth, let alone go food shopping and unpack.  (Im still working on the unpacking)  It's just so cold and brown here...  I miss letting my kid run around without any clothes on and going to the park and sunshine and trees (Why do we live here again?)

This morning we dropped Kurt off at Kris' moms and headed into Seaside to get some work done... which has not done much for my back from vacation funk.  It was my first time seeing the store since Kris and his crew gutted it from the storm damage.  It's all a little overwhelming right now... I have a really long list of to do's and decisions that I have been putting off and it is time to get to it.  I need a major dose of motivation and maybe a fairy godmother that can just tell me what to do.

TAKING FLIGHT.

This weekend will be filled with quite a bit of soul searching... and to tell you the truth I'm a little scared about it. I'm not quite ready to dive into the decisions I have to make, and I seem to be forced in a direction that is a bit scary to me.  Over the past few years I have experienced a number of ups and downs and oh so many changes. My career, however, has always remained pretty constant and that has provided me a sense of comfort.  Come April I knew exactly where I would be and exactly what to expect (financially and emotionally).  Even through all the struggles that come with owning your own business, I always felt that at the end of each season everything would work out. And it always did.

I like to consider myself a risk taker.  I mean... I did start a business as a college junior (a pretty successful one too).  However, over the years I have settled nicely into my comfort zone and now that I have a husband, house and baby, those risks seem pretty, well, risky.  Kris and I dream up different business ventures in our head for fun and love to drive around and just talk about all the different ideas we have.  But it's just that, talk.  Now I am faced with a situation where I have to decide on the fate of my business.  I feel like I have inched my way to the very edge of the diving board and now is the time to choose.  Will I dive in or slowly crawl back down to more "comfortable" ground?  And what if that ground has been shaken up a bit and seems a little more wobbly than it did before?  I'm still not sure just what direction to take, right now i'm sort of hovering in between, but I am so thankful that I at least I have a decision to make.

(bravery print: available for free download here.)